How do I support my teen’s new gender identity when I’m struggling with it?

Meghan Leahy helps a parent come to terms with their child coming out to them as non-binary or gender fluid. Photo / Getty Images
A self-proclaimed LGBTQ+ ally struggles after their 13-year-old recently came out as non-binary or gender fluid.
Dear Meghan: My 13-year-old just came out to me as non-binary and/or gender fluid (they aren’t sure yet) and wants to change their name. I’m having a harder time with this than I expected, especially the name-change aspect. My oldest child is queer, and I’ve considered myself an ally for years. But I’m not sure how best to support this particular kid when I don’t know whether they are really aware of the implications of their decision and whether they may change their mind in the future.
I feel like I’m stuck somewhere between “I want to celebrate this wonderful human” and “Is this just a phase?” They have never expressed any questions about their gender or sexuality before this moment, and the announcement coincides with the new school year and a new school. They also have a cousin who came out as trans last year and received a lot of family and public support, so of course that makes me wonder if there is at least a little bit of influence from that as well.
I am divorced and their other parent is very enthusiastic about the whole thing, but I’m feeling hesitant and sad about them completely changing their identity and name. I don’t want to put any of my feelings on my kid and I want to support them, but I also want to make sure this is what they really want and who they really are.
– Hesitant
Hesitant: I am probably older than you are, so my example may be dated, but I brought up Ellen DeGeneres to explain to my kids how fast things have changed in just the queer landscape in my lifetime. I watched her go from a “straight comedian” to a TV star, to coming out as gay, to being totally cancelled, to being out and proud on a talk show of her own. For those of us who grew up in a closeted era, our learning curve is quite steep. Our older binary brains are still trying to find a lane for these “newer” identities. Gender-fluid humans have always walked the Earth, but we are still struggling to find a way to accept them. Not because of them, but because of us.
You didn’t question whether your eldest was in a phase because the queer identity was something your brain had already accepted. As an ally to the LGTBQ+ community, I’m sure your desire is to be fully open to and “happy” about your 13-year-old’s announcement, but being an ally and good parent doesn’t mean you bypass your complex feelings and become an emotionless robot. As a parent, you aren’t a bad person because you are attached to your child’s identity; it’s the only identity you’ve ever known! And you love that child. Your parenting brain is searching for the “lane” for this new identity and cannot find it, hence the mixed feelings. And the problem isn’t the mixed feelings, it’s where and when you process them (not to or around your teen).
There has been more exposure (and some acceptance) to non-binary identities, so it is natural for parents to wonder whether our children are being “influenced” into this. Here’s the good news: Time will take care of your worry. In time, your teen will either settle into this identity or change their mind. And both outcomes are perfectly fine. Ironically, for all of the adults who bully, deny or threaten their children over their identity, the process of their children’s development becomes more complicated and takes longer. If the child doesn’t have to spend energy coping, hiding, scared or being frustrated, the accepted child feels safer spending time figuring out who they are (which is the work of every adolescent).
Adrienne Maree Brown, an activist, facilitator and writer, recently said on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast that the basic needs of every human are safety, belonging and dignity, so you don’t need to focus on false choices with your teen. “Is my teen being influenced by a cousin?” “Am I no longer a good ally?” “Do I need to make sure my child knows exactly who they are before I support them?” Your job is to keep showing up, providing unconditional love and boundaries. This is a big life update from your 13-year-old, but that doesn’t mean you can’t talk it through with them like you would anything else. Changing their name at school is an example of something you can discuss with your child, take the decision slowly and understand what the ramifications may be for their safety, belonging and dignity (many states are not safe right now). None of the decisions are simple or easy, so be patient with yourself.
Finally, find a good friend who really understands you and go on walks with them. Vent your worry, your sadness, your grief, and allow yourself to be heard. Try to not judge yourself too harshly; the more your emotions move, the less space they will take up. And remember: The essence of the child you have always loved never leaves them. They are still yours, forever. Good luck.